T3h Most Amazingest FF9 Roadtrip Ever 11oneone
by LancerZero
Summary: I always thought it'd be interesting to dump the characters from FF9 into a car together for a few days and see who was still alive at the end of the trip. But not everything turns out as planned . . . rated for language.
1. Freakish Beginnings

One day, I decided that I would write an Amazing Piece of Roadtrip Fanficion involving the characters from FF9. Of course, there were no cars in FF9, which was supposed to add to the humor of the story, as the very premise behind it is impossible. Note my use of the past tense: it was SUPPOSED to. As it turned out, the characters themselves had a few things to say about my ideas. 

"Ridiculous!" Steiner whined.

Freya seemed to agree. "A gasoline-powered automobile in a world where steam power is in its infancy?"

"So?" I asked in reply. "You didn't mind the bowling fanfic, and I don't recall seeing bowling in FF9."

"That's different. Bowling could have existed, requiring very little technology."

"It's a story, Freya. It's supposed to be a funny story. Roll with it, please?"

"Oh . . . very well."

Steiner just stomped a foot and crossed his arms, looking none too pleased with the idea but not quite annoyed enough to say something else.

"Can it have chromed wheels?" Zidane inquired. "The chicks dig chromed wheels."

Garnet smacked him upside the head for that, and added, "It should be comfortable."

"It have big fridge filled with frozen frogs!" Quina insisted, drool spewing forth as it wagged its giant tongue.

"It needs to be big, so we can ALL fit in it," Eiko reminded, with a pointed look at Amarant. "That means you, too, Ammy-boy."

"I'm not going."

"Yes you are!"

"I'm not and you can't make me."

I decided to intervene. "Will you go if I let you kill something along the way?"

The dreadlock-haired giant briefly considered, then nodded. "As long as I don't have to sit next to the horned devil."

"Deal."

"C-can I have a window seat?" Vivi pleaded.

"There's only one problem with all this," Freya interjected. "None of us know how to drive."

Well. That sucks. Crap . . . "Uh, yes you do."

"You can't do that."

"Yes, I can. I brought a car here, and I say you can drive it."

"It won't be believable."

"I'm talking to people that don't exist. It's not believable anyway."

"True . . ."

Steiner looked at his hands in horror. "I . . . don't exist?"

Ignoring the rust-clad knight, Zidane actually said something intelligent. "But that's different. You can change the setting, but if you change the characters too much, no one will read it."

Damn it. "Okay, I'll just take someone from one of my fanfics that knows how to drive."

Kabra suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Hey, where's the car?"

Before I could figure out what kind of car it would be, I noticed that Quina was leaning towards Kabra. Using the power of author-ity (pun intended) I could hear its thoughts . . . 'Skin green . . . like frog . . . me so hungry . . ." Uh-oh.

Quina suddenly drew out its four-foot eating utensil, and Kabra screamed, "HOLY CRAP THAT'S A GIANT FORK! I'm outta here!" And he spontaneously disappeared himself. Makes no sense, I know.

"Ok, how about Shiva? She won't be scared of a giant fork." With a thought, the wolf-girl from Pandora's Cauldron appeared. Amarant's reaction was immediate; his face swelled up in hives, and he started sneezing. What the hell?

"I'm awuhgic ta dahgs," he explained with swollen lips.

"What was that?" Shiva demanded. "What did you just call me?"

"Uh dahg. Whu you gon' do 'bou ih?" Amarant mumbled aggressively, trying to extend his claws - but his hands were swollen, too.

"I'm a demihuman wolf, NOT a dog, and I'm gonna kick your allergic ass!"

"Sweet!" Zidane exclaimed. "Now I just need a bag of popcorn to eat while I watch!"

On second thought, maybe a slightly antagonistic she-wolf isn't such a good idea. Sorry, Shiva. You're already in another short story I'm writing anyway.

Shiva disappeared, while Amarant grumbled, "Ah coulda takeh huh . . ."

How about Sera? She's nice, and I don't think anyone's allergic to cats. Sera appeared, and all was well until she saw Freya. Then she crouched low and extended her claws, a predatory glint in her eye.

"Kittycat hungry for mousey!" she squealed as she pounced on the unsuspecting dragoon.

"Catfight!" Zidane yelled exuberantly, this time remembering to duck Garnet's fist. He forgot to jump over Eiko's foot, however, and he landed face-down on the ground.

Stereotypical, but not at all typically Sera. Man, what's wrong with everyone?

Sera disappeared, leaving Freya grappling with an invisible opponent. It was actually rather comical, though she didn't seem to think so.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd put a bit more thought into who you saddle us with," she politely requested as she straightened and dusted herself off.

"Alright. Now, for someone with no innate predatory instincts and no fur."

Aeron inexplicably appeared in the midst of everyone, eliciting a loud groan from Eiko. "When are you gonna give us someone we recognize instead of dumping YOUR characters in here?"

To which I replied, "You know anyone who can drive?"

"Yeah. What about you? Didn't you just take a one-day 480-mile road trip a week ago?"

"I'm the author. I'm not even supposed to be IN the story, still less a major part of it. As soon as I find a way to get you guys in a car, I'm out."

"That's stupid."

My reply to that was interrupted by Steiner's alarmed cry. "EEEVIL!" Everyone looked at him like he were a bit slow upstairs, so to speak. "Don't you see him? Kuja, Kuja is back! EEEVIILL!" he shrieked again, pointing at Aeron with one hand and drawing his sword with the other.

"Hey, now! What's your problem, man?" Aeron didn't know what was going on, but he knew what to do. Gathering a ball of darkness in his hand, he hurled it at Steiner. Shadow magic causes rapid decay in whatever it strikes, so . . . Steiner soon found himself in a suit of solid rust.

"HAHAHAHA!" Zidane squealed with laughter, falling down on his tailed backside. "Rusty! Oh, you're never gonna live this one down!"

So much for my characters. Aeron went away, and I tried to think of someone, ANYONE else that might be able to drive a car.

* * *

DreamCherry66: Crapmonkeys! Thanks for pointing that out; it's fixed now. 

Galendra: Heh . . . you should visit a little message board I'm on. Everyone calls the freakish conglomeration of Fantasies final "Squeenix." Yes, my characters have ruined many a well-thought out plot resolution . . .

Robshi: Thank you - I've found out I like writing about madness and absurdity. Expect a good deal more of it . . . I like elipses . . .


	2. Pimp My Airship

Just when I was nearing my wit's end (which wasn't very far, let me tell you), an unexpected boon came to us all in the form of an airship. It was . . . an unusual airship. It was about the size of a large car, painted metallic lime green, had windows tinted limo black, and was so heavily accented with chrome that I wondered which country went bankrupt to fund this vehicle. Even the ducted fans on the bottom of it were trimmed with chrome. At first I thought it must have an engine problem, due to the irregular thumping sound that rattled my rib cage (and Steiner's armor). It was too much for Freya's large, sensitive ears, and she backed off about fifteen meters or so. But as the ungainly (yet rich-looking) airship/car neared, I realized that the thumping was actually supposed to be music. I dubbed the driver of the vehicle the Human Douche, and decided to give them a piece of my mind for jumping into MY story like that. 

Imagine my surprise when a tinted window slid smoothly down to reveal a familiar face: the reverse-handlebar moustached Regent Cid. But something was wrong . . . besides the sheer oddness of his chosen mode of transport, there was the fact that his neck was adorned with more gold than most royalty would consider tasteful, and his normally impeccable hair was covered by a ridiculous-looking leopardskin top hat. Not only that, his accent was nothing at all like I'd imagined it would be.

"Yo, bitches!"

Garnet stepped slowly up to the vehicle, as though afraid that its driver would eat her. "Uncle . . . Cid? Is that you?"

"Th' one n' only! Whut up wit you, G?"

Steiner half-knelt, unsure of how to behave around this changed Cid. Freya stepped closer, cocking an eyebrow rather adorably in confusion and skewing an ear to one side. Amarant rolled his eyes, though no one could see them underneath his hair. Eiko and Vivi looked at each other, Quina looked at me, and Zidane strolled casually up to Cid.

"What it is, motherf-"

"ZIDANE!"

"Eh, whazzup Pimpmasta C?"

"Check th' whip! S'got a little some'n here . . ." Cid reached over and pressed a button, eliciting an unholy whine from the engines. The craft had only been floating a few inches above the ground, but when he pressed the button, the front end jolted up a foot before settling back down. "Ha ha!" He did it a few more times, grin spreading each time.

Man, and I though Sera was acting all screwed up . . . but I might as well take my own advice and roll with it. "Hey, you up for a little roadtrip?"

"Eh?" Cid replied, looking me (and the others) over. "Dunno . . . da Rustmasta's crampin' ma style, yo. 'Sides, Big C's Mean Green Love Machine's fo da ladies ONLY!"

Dammit. I could write an RPG onto my shoulder and blast him to slag, but that wouldn't be nice. And Dagger would probably be mad. Hmm . . .

Turned out I didn't need to do anything. A bright pink convertible airship whizzed past far too close for comfort, stopping briefly so its driver could have a look at us. Beatrix's unmistakeable face peered from behind a pair of sunglasses in the airship's cockpit, and I groaned. At that point, I was about ready to write a friggin' nuke into the story and start anew.

"Beatrix?" Steiner gasped. "Is . . . that you?" She winked at him, and he started to walk towards her - but was cut off by Cid's unearthly airship.

"Now, why you cuttin' in on my action? Get lost, fo' I bust a cap in yo uptight ass!"

Without giving Steiner a chance to reply, Cid floored it. For once, though, Steiner was fast enough to catch something, and he grabbed onto the green airship's rear vertical stabilizer. "Leave the Lady Beatrix be!"

"Wha? You gon' pay fa that!" It didn't look like he would, though; with all that extra weight on his rudder, Cid couldn't turn his ship around quickly enough to throw the knight off. So he shifted it back and forth as quickly as he could, jockying the throttle back and forth as his ship staggered past Beatrix's. She rolled her eyes and sped off in the opposite direction.

"Okay, it's official," I announced. "This is now completely ridiculous. Screw the car. We're going for a Chocobo caravan."

* * *

Note: Sorry it's so short; next bit'll be longer, really it will! 


	3. Hairballs, and Also Cheeze Whiz

If you're easily bored, you can skip my introspective introduction and apology for taking so long to update.

* * *

Ha! I bet you guys were thinking I'd forgotten about this story, weren't you? Nope, I was just waiting for inspiration to strike. And strike it did, in the form of me selling my old car, and then having to look around for a new one. Selling a car is a pain. Buying a car - when you've got a very limited budget ($7k) and want a relatively new, fun to drive car that's efficient and has bulletproof reliability . . . well. What you end up doing is visiting a lot of seedy little dealerships that want your money, not your service. Fortunately, I was able to find a late-model Chevy Prizm (which is nothing but a rebadged Toyota Corolla, they came off the same assembly line in California - run a google image search, and you'll see for yourself) at a major dealership. It's not fast or flashy, but is simple and efficient - and I loves it, yes precious!

Freya: And I shall have to pop your tires with my spear if you don't get on with it.

Right. Anyway, before I found the car of my dreams, I went through quite a few small dealerships, who tried to pull quite a few dirty tricks . . . and inspiring me to write this. Sorry it took so long. Enjoy!

* * *

In moments, we had arrived at a chocobo dealer. The sign above proclaimed, "Big Dee's Choco Shack", and promised zero percent interest financing, and a two-year beak-to-butt warranty on selected birds.

Zidane rushed over to a stretched chocobo with longer legs for extra ground clearance, as Eiko slipped on a banana peel and Amarant, whose face was still puffy from his encounter with Shiva, began to devour miniature candy hamburgers. Dagger walked over to a nearby pink-feathered choco, and Eiko ate the banana peel. With Steiner gone for the moment, Freya, Vivi, and Quina accompanied me as I searched for a choco salesman. Except for one minor problem: somewhere along the way, Quina abandoned us.

We called its name, telling it we'd buy it sugared frog legs if it'd only come back. Quina came back, all right - with an angry choco salesman in tow. The thing looked eminently

satisfied, prancing happily along towards us with a bloodied fork in its hand.

A bloodied fork. Dammit, Quina . . .

"Your . . . thing here ate one of my best birds!" the salesman roared, spittle flying from his reddened face. "Get out, before I become rational enough to make you pay for it!"

"Big bird taste good," Quina announced. "Like chicken." Freya looked as though she might lance the Qu, Vivi looked afraid Quina might eat him, and the salesman appeared ready to kill us all.

"C'mon, let's get the others and get outta here," I said, and they followed me back to where Zidane was checking out a choco's custom chrome toenails, Dagger was reaching under Amarant's arm to steal some of his candy hamburgers, and Eiko was playing FF9 on her PSP.

Yeah, I know that game doesn't exist for that platform. Bite me. I'm telling you, she was playing it and giggling every time she succeeded in pissing off the moogle on the world map.

Anyway, in another few minutes of non-travel we arrived at a place with a gaudy, glitter-covered sign proclaiming it to be "Big Ley's Weapons Store and Also Airship Rentals." Okaaay . . . whatever. Just so long as there aren't any gummy airships to tempt Quina, we should be fine. Zidane, of course, didn't make it past the first row of shiny airships, with their hub-mounted chrome spinners. It actually looked really weird, because the actual propeller would be spinning whilst the poorly named "spinner" didn't. He stuck his head into the enlarged exhaust pipe of one of them, wearing a grin fit to split full-plate armor, and I knew we'd lost him. And there goes Garnet to keep an eye on him. Steiner's gone, Quina will become dead if he/she/it tries to eat anyone else, and Zidane is . . . Zidane.

Let's see . . . if my recent experiences at car dealerships are any indicator, we won't get within 100 feet of the central building before -

"Hello, sir! How may I help you today? Might I interest you in-GAK!" The airship salesman that had been just about to make his pitch suddenly sounded as though he had something in his throat. He yanked his wide-brimmed hat down over his Burmecian face before any of us could get a good look at his face. Roughly 0.75 seconds later, the salesman was on his hands and knees, making the most horrific and disgusting horking sound you've ever heard.

Or that I've ever heard, for that matter, and I have two cats that hork up hairballs with sickening regularity. For that was, indeed, what the salesman was doing.

Vivi backed away, Eiko squealed her distress but kept staring anyway, Amarant grunted, Freya got a weird look on her face that bordered on sympathy, and Quina crouched down next to the poor fellow as though he/she/it might eat the approaching nastiness.

"Your gut giving you problems?" Amarant asked. "I could fix it, you know. Like, _remove it_."

"Amarant!" Freya chastised.

"What? I hate that noise! It makes me want to-" Amarant interrupted himself and spontaneously started to dry-heave, assuming the same position as the salesman.

Well, I'll be damned. Amarant is capable of empathy. Sort of.

"EEEWWWWW!" Eiko shrieked, louder this time, and ran off. Most likely to Garnet. Vivi seemed rooted, though whether in horror or fascination I couldn't tell.

With a tremendous, gut-wrenching HOOOORK the salesman finally disgorged a baseball-sized wad of hair and phlegm. He muttered profuse apologies and promises to clean it up whilst Amarant kept heaving.

Freya extended her hand to help the salesman up, but he refused. "No, thanks, I'll be alright." It sounded as though he was trying to disguise his voice . . .

"Fratley?" Freya asked aloud. When the salesman winced, she kicked him solidly in the ribs.

"Fratley! You left me _again_ so you could become a **_used airship salesman_**!"

"NEW airship salesman, thank you," Fratley corrected, clutching his ribs as he slowly rose to his feet.

Amarant, who had finally finished not throwing up, extended his claws as he stood up behind Fratley. "Hey Freya, want me to gut 'im for ya?"

"That won't be necessary. I assume you're the one known as 'Big Ley'?"

"That's right," Fratley confirmed.

"Well, then you can provide us with an airship and accompany us on a little trip. That is, unless you want my next kick to land on Little Ley, if you catch my meaning."

Fratley smiled a slightly disturbing smile, virtually mirroring Freya's. "Have I ever told you how totally hot you are when you're in a violent mood?"

"Many times. Now be a good little bitch and find my friends a ride." Freya's grin widened.

Amarant and I exchanged looks composed mostly of confusion and disbelief, and Quina began a feast on the ground.

Vivi toddled over to me and motioned that he wanted a quiet word. I bent down and he whispered, "Uh, do you mind if I go find Eiko? I want to make sure she's alright."

How could I say no to such a cute little guy? "Sure. But don't be long, okay?"

"Okay." He toddled off, leaving Amarant and I as the only relatively normal ones. Quina licked its lips after finishing the hairball, and Freya and Fratley exchanged playful slaps before walking off towards a nearby row of airships. Morbidly curious as to what they'd do next (and wanting to find an airship) Amarant and I followed.

Much to my delight, Fratley took us straight to a very nice-looking full-size airship, with plenty of room for all of us. I was about to ask him how much he wanted for it when he told me, "Freya and I have some catching up to do, so one of my underlings will help you find an airship. This one's his, and he's usually . . . yup, there he is!" Fratley knocked on the window, and it rolled down to reveal . . .

Holy crap. No. Way.

It was Kuja.


End file.
